The Nerd: All of a sudden, it switches to this heavy metal riff! Then you get the storyline for this emo black tiger. His parents left him, he's all alone, so he hates everything. It's quite a serious and sad plot to start a game with. What happened to the frame rate? It's giving me a headache! These characters look so ass. Is that Belle from Beauty and the Beast? "Animal called as human is what I dislike the most. They smell bad." For real? This is for real?
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The game itself plays worse than you can imagine. Controlling the camera is reversed, meaning it's the complete opposite of how you control any other modern game. The controls are a baffling mess, and the tiger moves slower than shit advancing through a sloth's anus. I'm holding the run button, too! Without it, you can barely even crawl. This... is an action game. In what situation, in an action game, would you need to move that slow? Attacking. Now that's a whole other story. That's when the shit factor rapidly accelerates, at the rate of thawing a frozen dog turd on a frying pan. It starts to smell real quick. And if you think that's sadistic, look at what I'm playing right now! To attack, you have to hold down the circle button and hope for the best. Every time you kill a person, they make the same yell.
Then you chase down a defenseless woman, and just fucking MAUL her! Damn! This tiger is full of serious angst and rage! Wait a minute. What just happened? I went from a frozen wasteland to a forest, and now I'm hunting goats? How far is this tiger travelling? At the speed he runs, it probably took an eternity!
After the goats, you have to hunt a pack of silly wolves, You just slap them a bunch of times, and they get launched into oblivion! Daaamn! Look at 'em go! Unnngh! Motherfuckers! Now I'm just running around sniffing wolf blood? What kind of objective is that? You stand around the glowing orbs, then it shoots off fireworks... and that's the level. Why was this a level? Not to mention, the lack of music only adds to the atmosphere of boredom and monotony. The next thing, the tiger's head is up an animal's butt, and now they're floating on top of me!
The Nerd: I gotta say, I love slapping a group of wolves at the same time and watching them fly. It's oddly satisfying and really funny. Yeah! Smack 'em around! Mmm! UGGH, YEAH! After killing the wolf boss, it's yet another filler level. This time, you just walk around with the female tiger until she stops. Again, unnecessary. The next bunch of levels are just you slaughtering half the wildlife in this forest just to impress the female tiger. You have to bring her a rhino, which you just pick up and drag. How can the tiger pick up a rhino like it's nothing but can't kill a wolf in under an hour? This level has you murdering the shit out of poor bunnies! When you hit them, they fly like a missile. That's not nice! Look at that! They fly like 50 feet!
Fred Fucks: In the original alpha build, I had a full-on tiger sex scene. Oh, it was hot! It was tigers fucking and sucking constantly! One tiger fucking the other tiger, and the other tiger turns around and sucks that tiger! But the rating board put an end to it.
The Nerd: One thing I will say, the baby tiger in this game is fucking adorable! Just look at that thing. Isn't that cute? Man, forget Pikachu or Kirby. This baby tiger makes those losers look like a piece of shit! Other than that, the game goes on and on and on. It's a chore. You ever paint a house or ripped down wallpaper? That's this game. Eventually, I find myself doing anything I can to shake up the boring gameplay. Stacking animals is probably the most fun thing you can do. Here, I got a group of elephants to merge into a fucked-up monstrosity. Look at that! It's all tusks and skin! That's some goddamn nightmare fuel. Here, I got a stack of buffalo! Playing this game, I'd rather have a stack of buffalo take a diarrhea dump in my ear. Like when you pour champagne into a stack of glasses, except that it's stacked buffalo spraying liquid anus juice.
The Nerd: Actually, spoiler alert: the forest is dying because the humans have poisoned the animals in an attempt to kill the black tiger. Remember those people we killed in the first level? Well, it's coming back to bite the tiger in the ass. These humans are no joke. They burn the forest, kill the female tiger, and steal the baby! That's some fucked-up shit right there!
The Nerd: Damn, that could probably blow out your speakers if you got enough kills going on at the same time! After saving your baby, you begin the game again, but this time as the human whose mother you killed at the very beginning of the game. That's an interesting concept, but it's more of the same bullshit. One level has you poisoning the corpses and burning the forest from before. Then you kill the female tiger. It's basically the last few levels told from the perspective of the humans. Here, I have to hunt rabbits again! The last rabbit ended up hopping up the mountain and won't come back down. At first, I thought I was fucked, but then I ended up walking up this hill and reaching the boundary of the whole level. It's like Big Rigs - just a piece of land floating in an endless limbo of three-dimensional garbage. Calling this game "unfinished" would be a compliment. This game is so unfinished, it's almost non-existent. In the thrilling conclusion, you end up killing the black tiger, but didn't the black tiger kill everyone and escape with his son? What the hell is going on?
Fall Out Boy's video for "Sugar, We're Goin Down" alternates between the band jamming and a love story between a boy with antlers and a normal girl. At one point, the boy tries to cut his antlers off to be accepted, but she stops him. Her father, a hunter, disapproves of their romance and tries to shoot antler boy with an arrow but he's hit by a car. When antler boy runs to his side, he realizes that the man has deer hooves for legs. It's a weird video, but that's why it's unforgettable. 2ff7e9595c
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